North Korean Mousse Season Opens


kim jong-un north korea submarine missile launch

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same hairstyle, again, as their leader Kim Jong-un.

Earlier this year, a state-sanctioned guideline was introduced in the capital Pyongyang, followed by a country wide roll-out. The decree had its detractors, and for good reason: “Our leader’s hairstyle is very particular, if you will,” one source reported. “It doesn’t always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes.” One North Korean, now living in China, stated the look was unpopular as it was thought to make those doning it resemble Chinese smugglers. “Until the mid-2000s,” he was quoted, “we called it the ‘Chinese smuggler haircut’.”

The new decree, made shortly after the successful test-launch of a submarine ballistic missile on May 9, has nearly every student up in arms. “This new style is impossible to duplicate and harder to manage”, says one student who wishes, obviously, to remain anonymous. “You get the edges and sides clipped and the top wind-blown wild and gelled – just right – and the next minute the little quiff of a fringe moves out slightly and there’s this soldier breathing down your neck! What am I going to tell my parents if I get detention? We’re spending a fortune on barber bills and there’s hardly even any food to eat in this country! I’m thinking of giving up my Socialist Studies and smuggling myself South of the border. At least I have the right haircut for that.”

Another student, with similar woes – sheltering from the wind and applying gel repeatedly using a compact mirror, tells of how the guideline has sparked a capitalist revival in the hair-styling industry, with barbers and stylists competing directly for customers by not only lowering their prices but showcasing their skills in marathon blowdry show-offs, events often marked by fete attractions, selfie parades and de-popularised music from Seoul. The decree has also allowed capitalism to rear its ugly, if not entirely shaven head in a more predictable manner, with figures from the small appliance retail sector and the home cosmetics industry showing sharp increases in the sales of blowdryers, hot air turbo stylers, ionic hair setters, spray gels, volume and controlling mousses and extreme texture root lifters, as well as a variety of other items not traditionally acquired by and associated with your average 16 – 25 year old North Korean male.

“One wonders where it will all end,” ponders a less than emphatic youth complete with quiff, wind-structured stand-up gelled-tips and mousse-managed flairs, “Should our esteemed leader one day begin losing his hair we’re going to be in for a very awkward and uncomfortable period in our country’s officially recognised history.”

(c) Routers


UCT Unveils Zuma Statue Plans

Rhodes Statue

And in other news, with the removal of the recumbent Rhodes statue from their grounds, The University of Cape Town’s Senate has announced plans to erect a new statue in its place.

While the process may seem unnaturally hurried, according to UCT Vice Chancellor, Max Price, who has gone on record previously by stating he too had called for the removal of the Rhodes statue, in his more heady days as a student activist, the university has consulted with both the Heritage Foundation and various activist  groups, (many of which have sprung up literally overnight in the wake of the #RhodesMustFall controversy) to replace the now vacant plinth spot with a statue of struggle hero and current president, Jacob Zuma.

The new statue, commissioned by the Senate and pending approval by the Heritage Foundation and the City Council, will feature Zuma in the regal pose of counting on his fingers. Bronzed, for ease of reference, and to avoid any likely discolouration in the event of future protests against then defunct regimes, outlines for the statue, which will stand at just under 6 metres tall (so as not to challenge the standing of a former, though possibly equally revered statesman) will be unveiled at a university function on 27 April, in honour of Freedom Day.

The EFF, while approached, were unavailable for comment, though one wonders how long the statue of Zuma will remain unmolested of charges that it Pay Back The Money. They have, however, come under some fire from ANC Chief Whip, Stone ‘no-pun-intended’ Sizani for the subsequent defacement of the statue of Louis Botha’s horse, an unashamedly racist beast by all accounts, in front of Parliament.

(c) Routers