TOP SECRET US INTEL REPORT
ON TERRORIST CELLS
AND "AL QAEDA" TRAINING CAMPS
THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED
FOR THE PURPOSES OF SATIRE
Hours before Zimbabweans went to the polls in reportedly their most important election since Americans figured out Timbuktu is a town in Africa that does really exist, seriously; an election that could showcase more rigging than Pirates of the Caribbean, [senior White House officials] have released footage taken from a US spy satellite (not the one they shot down recently to the chagrin of Russia and China) that offers clear evidence that Zimbabwe is harbouring Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM within her borders.
Although [officials] failed to speculate on the how long these Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM have been in operation there is little doubt that these Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM are very well established and have most likely survived detection by ordinary methods by masquerading as dusty, rural villages of which there are no shortage in this God, Queen and Rhodes forsaken land.
The President (of America, not the President-for-Life of Zimbabwe) has been unavailable for comment, but the [House Speaker] has gone on record by re-iterating what has not necessarily become the official party-line during these eight years of the BUSH WAR, but is considered to be pretty damn-close by some: "We're gonna bomb them back to the stone age...". Considering that this IS Zimbabwe, we're in for a very short show.
At the time of this communication we do have word that the /Secretary of Home Defense/ has ordered the USS ARMAGEDDON to the Madagascan Gulf where she will lay anchor and maintain a "presence suited to the dire implications of this situation" (quote unquote) and further, that the Democratic Nominees,
Clinton and Obama, are both somehow considering working this particular development and the consequences this holds for the US market economy and the state of security and internal affairs into their largely unimpressive campaign trail speeches.
I say largely unimpressive because we all know -McCain- is gonna wipe the floor with whoever comes out tops. The Democrats never seem to get it right. I mean, look at that wanker
Kerry. No wonder George didn't need Jeb the last time around. All he needed was that remarkable driving force of global democracy, FEAR, and the knowledge that, yes, America is most superb, but there will always be Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM and therefore always a need to smoke these terrorists from their holes... ergo, a revised budget duly suited to whatever the present War Cabinet, consisting as it does purely of retired Halliburton and Enron Directors, sees fit to pass as necessary for your survival. As miserable as that might be. Your survival, that is. AND the conditions, as stated above, which preclude it.