Late November we were contacted by a reporter from the Sunday Times who had seen our Kalifornia design in an artist's portfolio (happily, the artist who completed the artwork, not some random artist). Said reporter was doing an article on the use of Hindu deities in T-shirt design or, as is more likely the case, saw our design and decided that it would make a great story.
We went through the palaver of having to answer questions about our irreverence, etc. This came as a surprise as we were simply interested in the satirical possibilities of using the goddess of death and destruction to comment on the downfall of American society, and the moral and ethical inconsistencies bound in their wholesale distribution of the twin evils of Capitalism and Globalisation... if Globalisation can be said to be sold, which for the purposes of this blog, it can. We never intended irreverence, but in retrospect we now realise our art can be pretty much in your face. Or it would be if we had the manic energy of successful marketers, not the haphazard energy of stoner creatives.
Along the way the South African Hindu Maha Sabha (yah, we know... we'll refer to them as the SAHMS from now on) was set up by the media as our Official Opponents and they were Upset. We were threatened to have our Freedom of Expression drawn and quartered before the Human Rights Commission. We were indirectly threatened, through media channels, this time the Weekend Star, with a 'severe challenge', which was mentioned in the same sentence as the word 'militancy', so we hunkered down and prepared for the worst.
At no time, however, did we state that we would be pressured by the public to remove the design. What the SAHMS, later a DA councillor, and other godsfearing Hindus did not understand is that while we refuse to allow the direction of our art to be challenged by the occasional public outcry, we are bound, as commercial Tshirt dudes, to a more immediate and, one might argue powerful and present player in the Realms of Man (and Woman): Market Forces.
The Kalifornia design has never been popular. We don't know why. Perhaps the characterisation looks too much like a psycho-smurf on acid to appeal to your average 16 - 34 year old. And yes, this is exactly the kind of thing that should appeal, but we don't know... go figure - it has simply never sold well. Which is why, when we launched the design back in July 2010 it was removed after just 3 months. Secondly, we just don't have the blank stock to print this 6 colour A3 monster. Our steel blank T supplier has baled on us (pardon) and we had limited reserves that were set aside for more popular designs. You can imagine then how irksome it was to have this whole debacle hit the papers, forcing us to re-issue the design and watch it practically market itself around the country (are you getting the irony here?).
Finally, we just couldn't take the suspense of waiting for a design we could hardly print to sell to some freak out there with a thing for psycho-smurfs, thereby seriously derailing our not inconsiderable campaign to make money this Christmas, so we decided to take it down, again. This time to the fanfare of a thousand read-all-about-its, or none. It matters not to us. If the people who are offended by our art wish to market the art they are offended by, then this simply confirms that we are on the right path - there is some seriously fucked up shit going on out there, and we do need to comment on it, even if it means subverting and irreverenting the sacred symbols of some or other culture to do so.
Here she is. One more time (like the song) - Kalifornia. Sacred (notsomuch) love-child of the goddess Kali and Elvis Presley. Take it away...
The next case in point is a bit more tricky. Round about the same time we were fighting off the Hindus and their gods with our magical funsticks, a somewhat more serious adversary was lurking in the shadows... Anheuser-Busch InBev, owner of the Stella Artois label, which has become saddled with the unfortunate moniker of 'Wife Beater' in the UK.
There are various theories about how this came about, and for the owner of a mostly prestigious beer, it must make you want to catch spiders for sure! The general consensus is the problem started when Stella opened local (UK) brewing distilleries in Wales, and their price per pint fell through the floor. Now everyone could afford Stella on tap, and at 5.5% it was stronger than most other beers... a few too many, now that this was a distinct possibility, and you would probably go home and beat the wife a bit, before falling asleep in front of the telly. The same thing happened with Burberry, did'n't? Once the hooligans get hold of your brand then it's pretty much tickets, and we don't mean season tickets neither.
(That being said, we're not hooligans, we're terrorists, but we oh so did get hold of their brand... and now it may be tickets for us...) Here's the clincher...
Dear Sirs,
I am writing on behalf of Anheuser-Busch InBev, owner of the well-known trade mark STELLA ARTOIS. It has come to their attention that you have a T-shirt on sale with a print that is identical with Anheuser-Busch InBev protected logo however with the text “Wife beater” rather than “STELLA ARTOIS”. My client regards this as an infringement in their trade mark rights and look seriously upon these types of violations.
Anheuser-Busch InBev has not given you authorisation to use their brand on any of your products. After reviewing the above site we feel that this is an abuse of the STELLA ARTOIS brand and the content is not in keeping with the STELLA ARTOIS image. Therefore we kindly request that you remove this T-shirt from the site and stop selling this product.
Please get back to us with a confirmation on the above.
As you can see, if you've got this far with us, we're in a spot of bother. Of course there was that case with that one Tshirt company and that local brewery and that Tshirt company came up trumps, eventually, but their message was socially relevant in ways that our is not. Perhaps. Wifebeating is something that we should talk about. I don't mean like in meetings, etc, but as in Public Debate. So, OK, we have an argument for satirical relevance, sure, but the other Tshirt company didn't carry a slur in the design that the label can't seem to throw, so we're keeping our options open while we seek the necessary legal advice.
To end then, we have decided to take both Tshirts offline for a while. Kalifornia until we find more steel Ts, and if we feel pyscho-smurfs are making a comeback... and Stella, my darling? Well... we'll bring you back if we feel we can and we'll plumb you for all you're worth, while drinking Heineken no doubt.
Globalized... zzz... Yesterday you desired cheaper sneakers, generic burgers Tomorrow you will want Polar Bears and cheaper oil. A holiday on ICE or wintering in the ALBERTA TAR SANDS Everything comes at a price, TEA from INDIA, MADE IN CHINA NICE!!!
Tomorrow you will want greener SUVsand a smaller international trade deficit Today you want GLOBAL WARNING to disappear, vanished into thinner air
today you want CHINA INDIA RUSSIA to burn less coal, you want NUCLEAR power stations that won't melt down, carbon concessions and endless credit Peace and uninterrupted LOVE from the MIDDLE EAST You want Saudi Arabia to burn less and export more You want the GULF WAR WON without the war-torn-aftermath
You want the GULF of MEXICO to never run dry and MEXICO and VENEZUELA... to burn less and export more!!!
You want the ocean running black and blue powering an effortless stream of modcons and dotcoms
Welcome to your world has become a pristine desert Today you desire, tomorrow you NEEDOILUNCAPPED a broadband blanketing the globe, from horizon to HORIZON
You seek a bottomless WELL for your WELLNESS PRISON And it doesn't matter how much THE BURGER costs in PARIS... at over US$200/ barrel it don't mattershit, because by then you won't be lovin' it
you'll be livin' (in) and dyin' (in) it thrashing out your last in mass-produced/ over-priced/ export-quality meat jizz
-enjoy!
*HOLY COWS are slaughtered in the making of this blog
We are fathering protests In our fathers’ prison states And we'll all be reunited Or crushed against the gates
Oh, when the tanks come rolling in Oh, when the tanks come rolling in Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When the tanks coming rolling in
And when the guns begin to chime And when the battles rage all night Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When the flags begin to burn
And when the moon turns red with blood And with the turbans mauve with blood Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When Tahrir Square runs red with blood
Oh, when the Imam sounds the call Oh, when the statues once raised fall Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When the puppetmasters fall
Some say this world of trouble Is the western world of greed I'm waiting for that morning, When our freedoms are appealed.
Oh When the New World Order is revealed Oh When the New World Order is revealed Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When the New World-fucking-Order is revealed
Oh, when the tanks come rolling in Oh, when the tanks come rolling in Lord, how I want to be in that RIOT When the tanks coming rolling in
Why not follow Harry Fokker on
twitter? Just sewing the seed. He's not the Son of God. He might not be able to
walk on water... yet
(reminds me of a Darwin Award... Man runs a Seventh Day Adventist Organisation of sorts. Man practices walking on
water in bathtub at home to impress upon congregation at next meeting that Man is the Chosen One... Man doesn't get it right...)
anyway... FYI Harry would like to hear from you on twitter...
UNFOLLOW me
though and you get the picture*
There's a little [ t ] for twitter [thingy] at the bottom of the page...
Police have confirmed that ZakumiTM was taken into custody in the early hours of Tuesday morning as the prime
suspect in the mauling of a tourist, a visitor to our beautiful
country, albeit an idiot with a camera who wanted the kitty to look a
bit more lively. An SAPS spokesperson for the case has confirmed
that owing to Zakumi'sTM "wildcat tendencies" he will not be released on
bail, and pending an investigation into the incident might face
manslaughter charges, which could be reduced to maneater charges given
the specifics at hand.
Either way it is likely that ZakumiTM
will now miss the tournament, throwing a dark shadow onto the event and
possibly tarnishing Africa's image as a continent capable of hosting a major sporting event such as the TM-driven FIFA World CUPTM.
Please Join Harry FokkerTM, and his
Facebook friends, in petitioning the South African government and FIFA TM to release the kitty on bail, and allow him to fulfill his
contractual obligations...
"We are not calling for his release on humanitarian grounds. We
are doing so on FOOTBALLgrounds*. We are saying that he is our MASCOT. This is
the acknowledged MASCOT of the group that most blacks (and whites) (and coloureds...) hell, all SOUTH AFRICANS support, but more than
that we are saying he is symbolic because we want all MASCOTS, all FOOTBALL
prisoners, released not on humanitarian grounds but on the grounds that this is
going to be part of how we build up a climate conducive to WINNING THE CUP"
- HARRY FOKKERTM, and Bishop Desmond Tutu.
* aka soccer stadiums, that cost a small fortune to erect, and will theoretically continue to clothe and feed and educate a nation, somehow, long after the eventTM
South Africa and the Angolan Bush War (Angola 1966 - 1989)
There
was a Buffel Soldaat in the heart of Angola,
Stolen from South Africa,
brought to Angola, Smoking on arrival, fighting for survival.
I mean it, when I analyze the ‘stench’ -
To me it makes a lot of sense:
How the privileged whiteboy was a Buffel Soldaat,
And he was taken from South Africa,
brought to Angola, Fighting on arrival, smoking for survival.
Said he was a Buffel Soldaat, Dreadlord bastard - Buffel Soldaat in Russian Angola.
If you know your Sativa, Then you would know where I’m coming from, Then you wouldn't have to ask me,
What’s this dagga in your duffel, privaat?
I'm just a Duffel Soldaat in this mess of a Border,
Stolen from South Africa,
shoved into a Cassper,
Said he was fighting in a Ratel, Transported in a Buffel;
Said he was a poster boy for DENEL, ambushed in a Rooikat
Buffel
Soldaat troddin' through a minefield, wo-ho-ooh!
Said he wanna run, intestines aint much fun,
When
you hold them in your hand, yea-hea, yea-ea.
Said he was a Buffel Soldaat win the war for Apartheid; Buffel Soldaat, Dead on Arrival, Fighting in the bush, escaping in the bush
Driven from the Vaderland to the ass-end of oblivion.
Strippin' through Caprivi in the arms of Maryjane;
Troopin' in UNITA, a Buffel Soldaat - Smoking on arrival, fighting for the Sergeant: Buffel Soldaat, fresh out of Basics
Given the recent increase in civilian shootings, following Police Chief Bheki Cele's call for Police to use "deadly force" in an attempt to curb violent crime ahead of the... FIFA 2010 South African World Cup... and deputy Police Minister Fikile Mbalula'sclarification on the issue with his call for them to "shoot the bastards"
Tshirt Terrorist proposes that the SOUTH AFRICAN POLICE SERVICE change its motto from "To Serve and Protect" to
"WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST"
LADUUMA
Cele, Zuma's pocket monkey, has yet to issue a response to our request... and officers continue to wander the streets with their guns sticking out.
Watch your back. And your wallet and your watch...
Tshirt Terrorist uncovers National Conspiracy in Bafana Bafana2010 FIFA World Cup trophy bid
Jacob Zuma(the Original 100% Zuluboy) and the AfricanNational Congress have established a TASK TEAM around Caster Semanya,
ostensibly to help the er athlete handle various pressures following this
country's botched attempt to defend her basic human rights AND win a medal at
the recently held IAAF games in Berlin.
Underneath this seemingly innocuous attempt at correcting the mess ASSA (Athletics
South Africa) has engendered (and by
engendered we mean engendered) there exists a most devious and sinister ploy.
Consider for a moment that Caster is a keen soccer player, and that one of the
members of the task team is none other than Winnie Madikizela-Mandela. Winnie
(GBHPS) - God Bless Her Patriotic Soul - once had a soccer team all of her own
- The Mandela United Football Club (MUFC). And who could forget her Number One
Striker - Stompie Seipei (the little snitch who ended up in a ditch).
Now, we're not implying that Caster is in any danger. Far from it. Winnie (GBHPS) has
been instructed, along with other members of the task team, to secretly train a
squad of hermaphrodites, lead by Semanya, to replace the existing Bafana Bafana
team in the FIFA 2010 World Cup. Of course, there is no assurance that the 'aspirant' team will win the cup, but as Bafana Bafana play like a bunch of girls, it is likely that this new improved arrangement might see us advancing through the first round* Added to this, reports are coming in,
from our secret sources, that the imposter squad is receiving
"advice" from members of the 1976 East German Women's Olympic Team.
What could go wrong?+
Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, (thankfully)former Minister of Health, is
reportedly also a member of the team (the task team, not the squad of hermaphrodites).
Nobody can, as yet, confirm what her role will be, although many suspect she will be
coming out at half-time to offer the obligatory beetroot. Orange
slices have been classified as entirely too western, and everybody knows that
beetroot cures HIV/Aids.
___________
* unlike the Proteas +Leonard Chuene could be called in to manage group PR
So... Rip Van Drankwinkelpasses out sometime during APARTHEID
(n) colloq. bottlestore/ liquor store/ off-lisence... (v) what happens after one too many (term) suspect Nationalist practise of subjugation and marginalisation (pre-democracy, pre-Mandela, pre-Obama. Precisely)
HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!) The one with the militant disposition HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!) I do hope that doggie makes it through the security checkpoint
I must launch a rocket into ISRAEL
And show those oppressors who’s boss
If only they weren’t bombing our tunnels
Don’t worry we’ll take the bus
HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!) The one with the militant disposition HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!) I do hope that doggie makes it through airport security
I read in the paper there are LEADERS
With roadmaps that shine out their ass
Allah needs more trained freedom fighters
We’ll break the cease-fire… Jihad!
I don't want a RPG or machine gun
I don't want a pound of gelatin
I want like a jet fighter aircraft
Nuclear warheads and NaPALM
HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!) The one with the militant disposition HAMAS is that doggie in the window(Allah! Allah!)
I do hope that doggieremembered his Qur’an
I do hope that doggie remembered his bomb.
Tshirt Terrorist also does children's parties as long as they are political children's parties and the opponents of said parties are paid up in full
SPEAK ZULU FAST; Avoid the MOB with this easy and comprehensive guide to everyday Zulu, Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Foreigners: SPCF, makwerekwere books, 2008, REVISED EDITION, soft cover. Price: R108.00.
"Not a moment too soon" The New York Times
Tshirt Terrorist is proud to announce the release of the much anticipated revised edition of "SPEAK ZULU FAST, Avoid the MOB with this easy and comprehensive guide to everyday Zulu."
These days, in South Africa, it would seem that we are all strangers in a strange land. How fortuitous then that the SPCF has managed to re-release their bestselling reference tool at this time, when xenophobia has not only reared it's ugly head in the townships and CBD's around the country, but opened wide it's prodigious maw and swallowed Shangaans whole. What luck, this book. What a blessing that the varied proliferation of Street Zulu terms are now available at your fingertips ensuring that, with the mob breathing down your neck you will know, with barely a hesitation, the correct Zulu term for "your elbow", "your little finger" or, if all else fails: "your father's dick!".
Recommended reading for any tourist who looks vaguely African, any tourist who appears momentarily lost, or locals too caught up in their role as truly integrated members of a suitably stable multi-racial society. SPEAK ZULU FAST is available at all good book shops. Hurry. Get yours today. No kidding... Hamba! The Zulus are coming!
The revised edition also features, besides a forward by the honourable Robert Mugabe on tolerance and political sanction in 21st century Africa, an English translation of Jacob Zuma's "Machine Gun Song" so that you too can dance along, waving your assegai, should you somehow get caught up in a pre-election ANC party rally.
Hillary Clingon is AT LARGE and should be considered ARMED and DANGEROUS.
For those of you who still harbour doubts that this ENEMY OF THE FEDERATION will stop at nothing to secure her position as Commander in Chief of God's most zealous nation, please refer to the following excerpt, taken from a recent campaign trail speech:
*translation unavailable. TSHIRT TERRORIST regrets to inform that our Klingon is somewhat poor and scratchy at present. We don't watch nearly enough Star Trek is why, which is a good thing.
MBEKI AND MUGABE sitting in a tree* K - I - S - S - I - N - G First comes LOVE, Then comes MARRIAGE although not in Zimbabwe because gay marriage is illegal in ZIMBABWE they would have to get married in SOUTH AFRICA...
*LEGAL DISCLAIMER. TSHIRT TERRORIST hereby states that the term "sitting in a tree" does not refer to any other 'monkey business' than the 'monkey business' explicitly depicted in the "shiny happy people" insert.
TOP SECRETUS INTEL REPORT ON TERRORIST CELLS AND "AL QAEDA" TRAINING CAMPS IN ZIMBABWE
THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN DECLASSIFIED FOR THE PURPOSES OF SATIRE
Hours before Zimbabweans went to the polls in reportedly their most important election since Americans figured out Timbuktu is a town in Africa that does really exist, seriously; an election that could showcase more rigging than Pirates of the Caribbean, [senior White House officials] have released footage taken from a US spy satellite (not the one they shot down recently to the chagrin of Russia and China) that offers clear evidence that Zimbabwe is harbouring Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM within her borders.
Although [officials] failed to speculate on the how long these Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM have been in operation there is little doubt that these Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM are very well established and have most likely survived detection by ordinary methods by masquerading as dusty, rural villages of which there are no shortage in this God, Queen and Rhodes forsaken land.
The President (of America, not the President-for-Life of Zimbabwe) has been unavailable for comment, but the [House Speaker] has gone on record by re-iterating what has not necessarily become the official party-line during these eight years of the BUSH WAR, but is considered to be pretty damn-close by some: "We're gonna bomb them back to the stone age...". Considering that this IS Zimbabwe, we're in for a very short show.
At the time of this communication we do have word that the /Secretary of Home Defense/ has ordered the USS ARMAGEDDON to the Madagascan Gulf where she will lay anchor and maintain a "presence suited to the dire implications of this situation" (quote unquote) and further, that the Democratic Nominees, Clinton and Obama, are both somehow considering working this particular development and the consequences this holds for the US market economy and the state of security and internal affairs into their largely unimpressive campaign trail speeches.
I say largely unimpressive because we all know -McCain- is gonna wipe the floor with whoever comes out tops. The Democrats never seem to get it right. I mean, look at that wanker Kerry. No wonder George didn't need Jeb the last time around. All he needed was that remarkable driving force of global democracy, FEAR, and the knowledge that, yes, America is most superb, but there will always be Al Qaeda terrorist cells and training campsTM and therefore always a need to smoke these terrorists from their holes... ergo, a revised budget duly suited to whatever the present War Cabinet, consisting as it does purely of retired Halliburton and Enron Directors, sees fit to pass as necessary for your survival. As miserable as that might be. Your survival, that is. AND the conditions, as stated above, which preclude it.
The War in Iraq is 5 years old today! (hoot, hoot!)
Tshirt Terrorist has decided to celebrate the anniversary of this little misadventure with an Old Favourite
"Little Annie Does Baghdad" - Enjoy!
And remember, America... It's pretty difficult to win a war that doesn't end. No matter what Dubya MD (Doctor of War)TM and his cabinet might tell you... Just because you waltzed into Baghdad on tanks, waving like pageant queens it doesn't necessarily mean the show is done and dusted.
Think about it, the next time you vote on "Conflict Resolution" handing the reigns of the world's /super-military machine/ to the [oil hungry warmongers]...
The rest of the planet was never in Kansas to begin with and many of us don't give a damn where that is anyway. All we know is that there is a Wicked Witch of the West and she needs a house to the head, like asap, by any means necessary...
